Women’s natural defense

(Wee boy is watching a Sci Fi channel movie called Two Headed Shark and suddenly all the women on the beach take their tops off)
Marley: Matthew you can’t watch this
Wee Boy: Oh c’mon I can handle it
Marley: You’re too young to watch this
Wee Boy: Mom they’re milk cannons, the woman’s most powerful weapon

Chick magnet

Wee Boy: so Dave I need to pick up some chicks, can you show me how to play the guitar?

Music Tech limitations

( showing the wee boy how Apple Loops work on my new rig in the basement )
Wee Boy: that’s pretty neat Dave. But can this thing play any Beastie Boys? Cos if not is it okay if I go back upstairs and watch my show?

Oceanic dangers

Wee Boy: so Dave what are your parents up to these days?
Me: well, in a week they’ll be sailing around the Virgin Islands on a sailboat
Wee Boy: oh really? Like in the ocean?
Me: yap
Wee Boy: well I hope they don’t get attacked by a shark. Actually I hope they don’t get attacked by a whale, because that’s actually more common.

Being nice about weight

Wee Boy: so Dave why are you on a diet?
Me: cos I’m getting fat
Wee Boy: aww, you don’t look like you’re getting fat to me.
Me: heh well thanks, that’s nice of you!
Marley: Whenever I say that Dave just thinks I’m being nice
Wee Boy: yeah, well actually I’m just being nice too.

Shower dampness

Wee Boy: Dave why are you so wet!
Me: just got out of the shower
Wee Boy. Oh. Well no offense Dave but if I got out of the shower I’d be twice as wet as you

The Breakfast Club

(Watching Breakfast Club)
Emilio Estevez: what did your parents do to you?
Ally Sheedy: (whispers) they ignore me
Wee Boy: what did she say?
Marley: she said her parents ignore her
Wee Boy: oh. Yeah, looking at her I can see why

Staying up for the Bears

Me: hey dude, it’s past 10 and there’s no way the Bears are going to win this. Why don’t you start heading to bed
Wee Boy: Dave, the most important part of sports is that you never quit. It’d be wrong of me not to stay with this game. I need to stay up and watch until the end. Quitters never win Dave

Favorite Wok n Fire Waiter

Wee Boy: oh look my favorite waiter is here!
Matt: who is that?
Wee Boy: that guy right there. I like him because he looks like he works out.

Social Studies Teacher Annoyances

Wee Boy: Dave you’re an awesome step dad. Plus you get mad at a lot of things, like people chewing with their mouth open. But that’s okay. You’d probably make a good social studies teacher.